I’ve been having a lot of ups and downs lately. One of my favorite co-workers is leaving the company, and I honestly feel like I’m losing one of my best friends. He made work so much more fun and really brought us together as a group. I’m scared about the direction the company is going and unsure of where I fit. I still love my own job but it’s becoming more and more demanding, and with everything else on my mind I’m having a hard time focusing.
I’m so tired of looking… caring… trying. I’m tired of being alone, tired of hurting. And the generic encouragement I get from family and friends makes me even more frustrated. Every time I try to have hope and faith that something will work out, I get crushed. You’d think it would get easier each time, but I think it’s the opposite—every subsequent let-down is even more painful.
I’m not sure what else to say. After re-reading my last post, I’m feeling almost the exact same way at this very moment. All I want is to walk away from everyone and everything in my life and just say “FUCK IT”, but I don’t even know how to do that…
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Sunday, March 4, 2012
I don't know... I just don't know.
I haven't blogged in almost four months, and as much as my OCD tendencies make me inclined to chronicle the events of the past four months, I have a much more immediate need. I am frustrated with my life, and I feel completely powerless to change it.
I wanted a good career, and I feel like I finally have one that I love. But I am working upwards of 45 hours a week and that leaves me feeling exhausted. I always intend to cut back my hours, but there is always work left to be done and deadlines to be met. Don't get me wrong, I love what I do and I love my co-workers. But the difference is that they are all married or coupled... I have no one to help with groceries, paying bills, cleaning, cooking, etc. Between work and just trying to "survive", I'm flat out exhausted by the time the weekend rolls around. Which leads to my next issue...
I am lonely. I have great people in my life... I love my family, my job leaves me feeling fulfilled, and my co-workers are awesome. But it's really disheartening watching all my friends get married, buy houses together, have babies, and travel the world. I feel so... stuck. And hurt. Not by them, but because my own situation doesn't make me happy anymore. Since my Monday to Friday leaves me completely drained, it makes going out on the weekend with the intention of meeting someone very difficult. And even if I didn't fall asleep on the couch watching hockey at 9:30 every Saturday night... how do you meet people besides at the bar? My coupled friends are all friends with each other so it's really hard to meet other singles.
I've been feeling really angry and irritable for the past month or so, and I think this is why. I know jealousy is one of the deadly sins, but I don't know how to get past it. I've tried everything within my power to meet someone... last year I hit up the bar on a regular basis for a while but it felt like I constantly fell into the shadows of my friends. And I don't have the confidence to be "that girl" who shows up to the bar alone. I feel like my lack of luck in the romance department is somehow my own fault.
Sometimes I really wish I had everyone else's problems so as to put mine into perspective (or not?). In addition to the frustrations of trying to figure out why I'm so unhappy and bring some much-needed balance back to my life, I am faced with the daily reminder that someday--likely sooner rather than later--I will be faced with either supporting my mom or forcing her onto the streets--unless by some miracle she makes some major lifestyle changes and life decisions. The thought of it brings me to tears, and I think the only one who actually "gets it" is one family member. I know I need to seek counselling, but I'm scared of facing reality. And exhausted. And lonely. I feel like I just want to give up and hibernate. Work, eat, sleep, repeat. But that's basically what I've been doing, and it's making me even more irritable. Maybe I've created this monster... work has become my distraction. I am pouring my heart and soul and all my energy into it so I don't have to deal with feeling like crap about other things in my life. So is entertaining the possibility of being in a relationship even a good idea with all of this going on? I feel like I'm screwed no matter what I do.
I wanted a good career, and I feel like I finally have one that I love. But I am working upwards of 45 hours a week and that leaves me feeling exhausted. I always intend to cut back my hours, but there is always work left to be done and deadlines to be met. Don't get me wrong, I love what I do and I love my co-workers. But the difference is that they are all married or coupled... I have no one to help with groceries, paying bills, cleaning, cooking, etc. Between work and just trying to "survive", I'm flat out exhausted by the time the weekend rolls around. Which leads to my next issue...
I am lonely. I have great people in my life... I love my family, my job leaves me feeling fulfilled, and my co-workers are awesome. But it's really disheartening watching all my friends get married, buy houses together, have babies, and travel the world. I feel so... stuck. And hurt. Not by them, but because my own situation doesn't make me happy anymore. Since my Monday to Friday leaves me completely drained, it makes going out on the weekend with the intention of meeting someone very difficult. And even if I didn't fall asleep on the couch watching hockey at 9:30 every Saturday night... how do you meet people besides at the bar? My coupled friends are all friends with each other so it's really hard to meet other singles.
I've been feeling really angry and irritable for the past month or so, and I think this is why. I know jealousy is one of the deadly sins, but I don't know how to get past it. I've tried everything within my power to meet someone... last year I hit up the bar on a regular basis for a while but it felt like I constantly fell into the shadows of my friends. And I don't have the confidence to be "that girl" who shows up to the bar alone. I feel like my lack of luck in the romance department is somehow my own fault.
Sometimes I really wish I had everyone else's problems so as to put mine into perspective (or not?). In addition to the frustrations of trying to figure out why I'm so unhappy and bring some much-needed balance back to my life, I am faced with the daily reminder that someday--likely sooner rather than later--I will be faced with either supporting my mom or forcing her onto the streets--unless by some miracle she makes some major lifestyle changes and life decisions. The thought of it brings me to tears, and I think the only one who actually "gets it" is one family member. I know I need to seek counselling, but I'm scared of facing reality. And exhausted. And lonely. I feel like I just want to give up and hibernate. Work, eat, sleep, repeat. But that's basically what I've been doing, and it's making me even more irritable. Maybe I've created this monster... work has become my distraction. I am pouring my heart and soul and all my energy into it so I don't have to deal with feeling like crap about other things in my life. So is entertaining the possibility of being in a relationship even a good idea with all of this going on? I feel like I'm screwed no matter what I do.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Back to basics
It's 4:30 and I've literally done nothing all day except make a couple of phone calls, watch TV, do a sudoku and play games on my phone. When I write it all out it actually makes me sound busy... but really, what a waste of a day of my life!
I've been feeling really down lately--still, since my last post. I haven't gone for counselling yet because I wanted to wait until things at work were sorted out. Probably not the best decision because of how long that's taking, but I feel like there isn't enough room in my brain to deal with anything else right now. It's sad to think about just how much money would help my life right now. I've started to believe it would help my social life, too. When you have to trim back your grocery list to just the essentials, it doesn't leave any room in the budget for going out. And I'm so frustrated that it seems like all my friends are having the time of their lives... partying, traveling, living it up... while I'm stuck with taxes and condo fees that have gotten so out of hand I can barely afford to eat, never mind have a life. Every month I fall further into debt, and all I can do is pray for a raise big enough to off-set the cost of living increases I've endured since my last raise. It's so incredibly frustrating. I keep asking myself "what did I do wrong?". I thought investing in real estate was a smart idea, but does it have to come at the expense of being miserable? Things weren't like this when I first moved in, but then I got hit with one big increase after another and no raises at work to off-set it. Now here I am.
I'm miserable. I keep telling myself I did the right thing, and that by staying the course and toughing it out I'm continuing to do the right thing. But it's so hard. I'm losing touch with people I thought were my friends. And maybe that's the problem... in the grand scheme of things, they aren't friends for life. So on top of my money woes I'm left to deal with parting ways with friends. And I wouldn't even say it's mutual... it's not like we discussed it or anything. But they have their lives, I have mine, and the things we value are different. To the point where I don't want to pretend I enjoy going out and getting shit faced because there's nothing better to do. And I no longer feel like I should have to do things just to impress people or be "one of the group". I think I'm finally learning that it doesn't matter if I only have 5 genuine friends in this world. I still do care... and I haven't found a way to deal with the hurt of losing people yet... but my mindset is in the right place: stop worrying about impressing other people or following the crowd. Instead, do what's best for you.
The good news is that my tattoo sitting was phenomenal! Whenever it started to hurt I thought about the person that a lot of my emotional hurt stems back to. And it really helped! I think being able to associate physical pain with the emotional pain was healing in a way. But I still have a long way to go. Emotional scars run deep.
On that note (lol) I'm off. Just needed to let off some steam. Thanks for reading!
I've been feeling really down lately--still, since my last post. I haven't gone for counselling yet because I wanted to wait until things at work were sorted out. Probably not the best decision because of how long that's taking, but I feel like there isn't enough room in my brain to deal with anything else right now. It's sad to think about just how much money would help my life right now. I've started to believe it would help my social life, too. When you have to trim back your grocery list to just the essentials, it doesn't leave any room in the budget for going out. And I'm so frustrated that it seems like all my friends are having the time of their lives... partying, traveling, living it up... while I'm stuck with taxes and condo fees that have gotten so out of hand I can barely afford to eat, never mind have a life. Every month I fall further into debt, and all I can do is pray for a raise big enough to off-set the cost of living increases I've endured since my last raise. It's so incredibly frustrating. I keep asking myself "what did I do wrong?". I thought investing in real estate was a smart idea, but does it have to come at the expense of being miserable? Things weren't like this when I first moved in, but then I got hit with one big increase after another and no raises at work to off-set it. Now here I am.
I'm miserable. I keep telling myself I did the right thing, and that by staying the course and toughing it out I'm continuing to do the right thing. But it's so hard. I'm losing touch with people I thought were my friends. And maybe that's the problem... in the grand scheme of things, they aren't friends for life. So on top of my money woes I'm left to deal with parting ways with friends. And I wouldn't even say it's mutual... it's not like we discussed it or anything. But they have their lives, I have mine, and the things we value are different. To the point where I don't want to pretend I enjoy going out and getting shit faced because there's nothing better to do. And I no longer feel like I should have to do things just to impress people or be "one of the group". I think I'm finally learning that it doesn't matter if I only have 5 genuine friends in this world. I still do care... and I haven't found a way to deal with the hurt of losing people yet... but my mindset is in the right place: stop worrying about impressing other people or following the crowd. Instead, do what's best for you.
The good news is that my tattoo sitting was phenomenal! Whenever it started to hurt I thought about the person that a lot of my emotional hurt stems back to. And it really helped! I think being able to associate physical pain with the emotional pain was healing in a way. But I still have a long way to go. Emotional scars run deep.
On that note (lol) I'm off. Just needed to let off some steam. Thanks for reading!
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Asking for help is hard to do
Wow, it *has* been a long time since my last post! I was reminded today that I've been ignoring my blog, and it's funny because I've felt the need to post for a while now. I've been working longer hours at work and I'm so tired when I get home I basically eat, shower, unwind for an hour or so and go to bed. Blogging hasn't been #1 on my list of activities when I do have a spare moment lol.
Not much has happened these past couple of months... in short, I went to watch my youngest brother play ball at nationals, met my other brother, had a birthday (didn't do anything to celebrate) and finished painting my condo except for the trim and the storage room.
As much as I would love to go into more detail about my life over the past couple of months, it's not really at the front of my mind right now. I've decided I'm going to go for counselling. It's been on my mind for a while now, and I think it's for the best. I haven't been going out much at all lately, mostly because of money. The salaried staff at work were made to wait for our raises while the union contract was being settled. Totally not right if you ask me--why are our personal performance reviews put on hold because of the union contract? I realize it sends a message of "we're in this together", but still. Kind of a hot button with me. Anyway, while just about every bill I have and cost of living is going up, my wage has stayed the same. The condo fee increase at the end of this month is going to be the straw that breaks the camel's back. I make decent money... but I also stretch that money to its absolute breaking point, between RRSP's, my condo, and trying to have a bit of a life. When I have to cut back, the first thing that gets cut back is my "fun money". Anyway I've slipped into a bit of a slump... I think I'm depressed, but not in an emo "I'm going to kill myself" kind of way. More like, I don't make the effort to talk to friends like I used to, and I prefer to just stay home alone and essentially hibernate.
I know money will help the situation... If I had the money to go join friends for beers (and not have to spend the time worrying about how I'll put gas in my car or buy groceries again) I would. But there are a couple of other things I really need some outside help with--hence deciding to finally go for counselling. One is the girl who tossed my heart in a blender earlier this year. It's six months later and I'm still not "over it". And that just doesn't seem right, especially since we weren't even really dating. I think it has to do with the fact that I'd really liked her for a long time, and the way things went down was a huge blow to my heart. But I need someone to help me work through this so I can get on with my life. Clearly this girl is not going to disappear anytime soon, especially since some of my good friends have adopted her as one of their new best friends. Sigh.
I did go for coffee with a girl about a month ago. She seemed nice... but when we were texting before we even met, she seemed like she wanted more right from the start. I like to take things very slow, and she seemed to have more commitment in mind. That was just the impression I was getting. And it seemed like she was telling me what I wanted to hear in an effort to snag me. Like I told her I don't really like kids, and she agreed... despite working in a day care. Then when we did meet, the majority of what she talked about was the kids she works with. Not what you would expect from someone who "doesn't like kids". Anyway I'm not going to settle for someone who is going to try to be someone they're not in an attempt to impress me. And it was also around this time when I realized I'm still not over the girl from the spring.
The other thing that's really bothering me is my mom. My grandma is 84, and I know she won't be around forever. I also know that my mom goes to her a lot to borrow money. And I know when grandma is gone, mom is going to be coming to me. I can't afford to help her... I have my own bills to pay. And when I do splurge on something or take a trip, I save up so I can do those things. But I know mom would expect me to give up my own luxuries to help take care of her. And maybe I'm being selfish... but I'm not prepared to do that. She got herself into her situation, she made her own choices in life, and now she has to deal with them. I'm confident that she only pays grandma back a fraction of what she borrows... and if I had a ton of money kicking around I would love to help her. But I don't, and I can't. And I need someone to help guide me through how to handle the situation before it becomes a reality.
I have a tattoo appointment on Friday... hopefully my last one! Then 2/3 of my upper back will be done. Not sure what I'm going to get on the last third, and I don't want to rush it either. Can't wait for a bit of tattoo pain therapy!
That's my life in a nutshell... of course I would love to go on and on about it in my typical fashion, but I'm saving all the minute details for the counsellor--lol
Until next time my friends!
Not much has happened these past couple of months... in short, I went to watch my youngest brother play ball at nationals, met my other brother, had a birthday (didn't do anything to celebrate) and finished painting my condo except for the trim and the storage room.
As much as I would love to go into more detail about my life over the past couple of months, it's not really at the front of my mind right now. I've decided I'm going to go for counselling. It's been on my mind for a while now, and I think it's for the best. I haven't been going out much at all lately, mostly because of money. The salaried staff at work were made to wait for our raises while the union contract was being settled. Totally not right if you ask me--why are our personal performance reviews put on hold because of the union contract? I realize it sends a message of "we're in this together", but still. Kind of a hot button with me. Anyway, while just about every bill I have and cost of living is going up, my wage has stayed the same. The condo fee increase at the end of this month is going to be the straw that breaks the camel's back. I make decent money... but I also stretch that money to its absolute breaking point, between RRSP's, my condo, and trying to have a bit of a life. When I have to cut back, the first thing that gets cut back is my "fun money". Anyway I've slipped into a bit of a slump... I think I'm depressed, but not in an emo "I'm going to kill myself" kind of way. More like, I don't make the effort to talk to friends like I used to, and I prefer to just stay home alone and essentially hibernate.
I know money will help the situation... If I had the money to go join friends for beers (and not have to spend the time worrying about how I'll put gas in my car or buy groceries again) I would. But there are a couple of other things I really need some outside help with--hence deciding to finally go for counselling. One is the girl who tossed my heart in a blender earlier this year. It's six months later and I'm still not "over it". And that just doesn't seem right, especially since we weren't even really dating. I think it has to do with the fact that I'd really liked her for a long time, and the way things went down was a huge blow to my heart. But I need someone to help me work through this so I can get on with my life. Clearly this girl is not going to disappear anytime soon, especially since some of my good friends have adopted her as one of their new best friends. Sigh.
I did go for coffee with a girl about a month ago. She seemed nice... but when we were texting before we even met, she seemed like she wanted more right from the start. I like to take things very slow, and she seemed to have more commitment in mind. That was just the impression I was getting. And it seemed like she was telling me what I wanted to hear in an effort to snag me. Like I told her I don't really like kids, and she agreed... despite working in a day care. Then when we did meet, the majority of what she talked about was the kids she works with. Not what you would expect from someone who "doesn't like kids". Anyway I'm not going to settle for someone who is going to try to be someone they're not in an attempt to impress me. And it was also around this time when I realized I'm still not over the girl from the spring.
The other thing that's really bothering me is my mom. My grandma is 84, and I know she won't be around forever. I also know that my mom goes to her a lot to borrow money. And I know when grandma is gone, mom is going to be coming to me. I can't afford to help her... I have my own bills to pay. And when I do splurge on something or take a trip, I save up so I can do those things. But I know mom would expect me to give up my own luxuries to help take care of her. And maybe I'm being selfish... but I'm not prepared to do that. She got herself into her situation, she made her own choices in life, and now she has to deal with them. I'm confident that she only pays grandma back a fraction of what she borrows... and if I had a ton of money kicking around I would love to help her. But I don't, and I can't. And I need someone to help guide me through how to handle the situation before it becomes a reality.
I have a tattoo appointment on Friday... hopefully my last one! Then 2/3 of my upper back will be done. Not sure what I'm going to get on the last third, and I don't want to rush it either. Can't wait for a bit of tattoo pain therapy!
That's my life in a nutshell... of course I would love to go on and on about it in my typical fashion, but I'm saving all the minute details for the counsellor--lol
Until next time my friends!
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Life is for living!
OK it's been two months since my last post and SOOOOO much has happened! Let's see if I can Coles Notes it for y'all...
June... Saskatoon Pride. Meh. Wasn't the best pride of my life because I was still lingering in the low that was evident in my last post. Went on the pint crawl again this year and got incredibly hungover. Spent the entire next day in bed--not a word of a lie. Didn't have much energy for the parade/beer gardens but I went for the parade at least. Went to the dance with my bestie and had a pretty good time. Came to the conclusion that I'm getting too old for the BS that goes on in the community.
Jazz festival! Got to see the Sheepdogs--who ended up winning a contest to be the first unsigned band to grace the cover of the Rolling Stone magazine! They were pretty good... not my usual type of music though. Also got to see Tegan and Sara... LOVED THEM!!!
July... took a few days off and did odds and ends around the house. Started painting my bedroom. Didn't go to Ness Creek... decided my money would be better spent on my BC trip at the end of the month--which, as it turned out, it was!
BC: I had the most amazing time of my life! Flew into Vancouver--my first time flying since my parents took me to Disneyland when I was 4! I feel like a changed person... I really had to put on my big girl pants and navigate airports and sky train stations. We literally spent 48 hours in Vancouver... the night I got there we went out on a boat and watched the "Celebration of Light" fireworks in English Bay. It was China's turn that night, and they put on a 25 minute show dubbed "China Storm" which was unlike anything I've ever seen before! Not to mention "I'm on a boat!" with a bunch of homos. Too fun! lol
Sunday was the two and a half hour gay pride parade--also unlike anything I've ever seen before lol. Afterwards we walked down Robson, I bought a shirt at the Tommy Hilfiger store, and we walked down to Coal Harbour. It was there I put my feet in the ocean for the first time! :D I also got pictures with the Olympic torch from the 2010 winter Olympics. This was also my first time eating at Red Robin--SO GOOD!!
Monday we drove to Penticton. Along the way we stopped at the most amazing little spot, Bromley Rock. I got some great pictures, at least one of which is getting enlarged and hung on my wall.
Tuesday and Wednesday were all about experiencing Penticton and area to its fullest. We climbed Munson's Mountain (which has the "Penticton" sign on the side), checked out the Kettle Valley Railway trail, watched a ball game (the most scenic game I've ever watched), floated down the channel between Okanagan and Skaha lakes, and checked out a bit of Peachfest. Oh and had an amazing supper at Salty's Seafood Restaurant!
Thursday it was time to head home :( We made a couple of stops on the way to Kelowna--where I was flying home from. We stopped at Hardy Falls and in Peachland. In Peachland we got some great pics on a dock... and then my lovely chauffeur convinced me to change into my bathing suit and jump off the end of the dock into the water--less than two hours before my flight left! My motto of the trip was "life is for living" and I couldn't think of any better way to end it. I'm so glad I did it because I know I would have regretted it if I hadn't.
I've been home for over a week now, and I really miss BC and the people I spent time with there. Don't get me wrong... I like where I live and I love being close to my family. I have a great job and a great place to live. But after seeing what else is out there... I feel like there's a chance I'm not in the place that's the best fit for me. The people here have really started to get to me this year. Don't ge me wrong, I've made some great friends and started hanging out more often with some great people. And some of my "old" friends truly are awesome too. But then there are the ones--the majority, it seems--that either a) are settled down into their own lives and/or their own cliques, or b) the ones that no longer consider you a friend because of somebody else's version of events that occurred. I feel like this city is becoming too small, and after breathing fresh air for almost a week it's like going back to living in scummy, stagnant pond water. I'm tired of seeing the same backstabbing faces pop up and tired of hearing about the same crap going on.
I'm going to keep my chin up. My family is here and I can't bear the thought of leaving them. I need to get back to focusing on the good people in my life, or maybe I should say the people who have the same values and goals as I do. I can no longer say for certain where I'll be in five years, and that really scares me. But for now I am where I am, enjoying every moment to the fullest, and looking back on my recent travels with very fond memories :)
June... Saskatoon Pride. Meh. Wasn't the best pride of my life because I was still lingering in the low that was evident in my last post. Went on the pint crawl again this year and got incredibly hungover. Spent the entire next day in bed--not a word of a lie. Didn't have much energy for the parade/beer gardens but I went for the parade at least. Went to the dance with my bestie and had a pretty good time. Came to the conclusion that I'm getting too old for the BS that goes on in the community.
Jazz festival! Got to see the Sheepdogs--who ended up winning a contest to be the first unsigned band to grace the cover of the Rolling Stone magazine! They were pretty good... not my usual type of music though. Also got to see Tegan and Sara... LOVED THEM!!!
July... took a few days off and did odds and ends around the house. Started painting my bedroom. Didn't go to Ness Creek... decided my money would be better spent on my BC trip at the end of the month--which, as it turned out, it was!
BC: I had the most amazing time of my life! Flew into Vancouver--my first time flying since my parents took me to Disneyland when I was 4! I feel like a changed person... I really had to put on my big girl pants and navigate airports and sky train stations. We literally spent 48 hours in Vancouver... the night I got there we went out on a boat and watched the "Celebration of Light" fireworks in English Bay. It was China's turn that night, and they put on a 25 minute show dubbed "China Storm" which was unlike anything I've ever seen before! Not to mention "I'm on a boat!" with a bunch of homos. Too fun! lol
Sunday was the two and a half hour gay pride parade--also unlike anything I've ever seen before lol. Afterwards we walked down Robson, I bought a shirt at the Tommy Hilfiger store, and we walked down to Coal Harbour. It was there I put my feet in the ocean for the first time! :D I also got pictures with the Olympic torch from the 2010 winter Olympics. This was also my first time eating at Red Robin--SO GOOD!!
Monday we drove to Penticton. Along the way we stopped at the most amazing little spot, Bromley Rock. I got some great pictures, at least one of which is getting enlarged and hung on my wall.
Tuesday and Wednesday were all about experiencing Penticton and area to its fullest. We climbed Munson's Mountain (which has the "Penticton" sign on the side), checked out the Kettle Valley Railway trail, watched a ball game (the most scenic game I've ever watched), floated down the channel between Okanagan and Skaha lakes, and checked out a bit of Peachfest. Oh and had an amazing supper at Salty's Seafood Restaurant!
Thursday it was time to head home :( We made a couple of stops on the way to Kelowna--where I was flying home from. We stopped at Hardy Falls and in Peachland. In Peachland we got some great pics on a dock... and then my lovely chauffeur convinced me to change into my bathing suit and jump off the end of the dock into the water--less than two hours before my flight left! My motto of the trip was "life is for living" and I couldn't think of any better way to end it. I'm so glad I did it because I know I would have regretted it if I hadn't.
I've been home for over a week now, and I really miss BC and the people I spent time with there. Don't get me wrong... I like where I live and I love being close to my family. I have a great job and a great place to live. But after seeing what else is out there... I feel like there's a chance I'm not in the place that's the best fit for me. The people here have really started to get to me this year. Don't ge me wrong, I've made some great friends and started hanging out more often with some great people. And some of my "old" friends truly are awesome too. But then there are the ones--the majority, it seems--that either a) are settled down into their own lives and/or their own cliques, or b) the ones that no longer consider you a friend because of somebody else's version of events that occurred. I feel like this city is becoming too small, and after breathing fresh air for almost a week it's like going back to living in scummy, stagnant pond water. I'm tired of seeing the same backstabbing faces pop up and tired of hearing about the same crap going on.
I'm going to keep my chin up. My family is here and I can't bear the thought of leaving them. I need to get back to focusing on the good people in my life, or maybe I should say the people who have the same values and goals as I do. I can no longer say for certain where I'll be in five years, and that really scares me. But for now I am where I am, enjoying every moment to the fullest, and looking back on my recent travels with very fond memories :)
Monday, June 6, 2011
My soul has spoken
I've been feeling incredibly down the past couple of days which is really unlike me. I spoke before about comparing myself to others and I think it's only getting worse. I'm losing sight of what's best for me and have somehow managed to turn life into a game of trying to keep up with those around me.
I feel like a failure at life. Not a word of a lie. And it's so ridiculous because anyone who knows me would be quick to say that I am far from a failure. Everything I have and everything my life has become is the result of my own hard work. I have my own car, condo, nice belongings, savings accounts, an education and a great job... but yet I still feel like a failure. It doesn't make sense. I feel empty. I think it comes down to my recent realizations about my relationships.
I was never outgoing when I was younger. I managed to get over it and come out of my shell more as I got older, and for a while in my early 20's I would even say I was a social butterfly. But now it feels like I'm regressing. I prefer people and places that are comfortable to me. I would rather enjoy time with my friends than go out and make new friends. I suppose I've always been like that... I'd rather have a handful of close friends than several dozen acquaintances. But now that all my friends are settling down, how am I supposed to meet that special someone if I'm always in my comfort zone? I keep telling myself that I'm not going to meet "the one" at the bar. I'm quite convinced of it, actually. The kind of person I'm looking for is not going to be someone out partying it up on a regular basis--although it feels like I've been doing a lot of that lately. I'm not as outgoing as it sometimes seems. I need some sort of comfort zone... I can't just walk up to a stranger and strike up a conversation. The more I think about this, the more it feels like I'm turning into a bigger introvert and less of an extrovert. Which is not really something I'm happy about.
What's really hitting me hard is having friends that have no problem attracting people. I take it very personally even though my rational mind says I shouldn't. In my head, it translates to a personal attack on me... every time my friends get someone's attention, that translates to "you're not good enough" in my head. And it's really starting to wear on me. I try to tell myself I am good enough, I don't suck at life, and I have a lot to offer. But in my heart I don't feel it and I don't believe it anymore. I'm becoming dependent on other peoples' approval to feel good about myself, and that's a very dangerous and vulnerable position to be in. Not to mention very unhealthy and plain out wrong. The problem is I don't know how to stop. I'm stuck in this vicious cycle and I can't feel happy about who I am without first gaining someone else's approval. I would like to think that if I did get someone's attention that all of this would fizzle away... but I really don't know if that's the case.
I have a lot of work to do... a lot of work. And right now I just don't feel up to it. I've beat myself down mentally to the point where I would rather just collapse at the bottom of this emotional pit for a while than try climbing out of it right now. People are attracted to you if you're happy and projecting a positive attitude. I tried that and it didn't really work, and now I've beaten myself so far down I don't think I could put on a facade even if I wanted to. I know what I need to do. I need to stop depending on others' approval to make me happy, stop comparing myself to others, and most importantly, stop being so hard on myself. I just don't know where to begin when I really don't feel it or believe it inside of me right now.
I am my own worst enemy.
Wow... I think this was an incredibly successful blog. Successful in the sense that it was completely raw and uncensored as though I ripped out my own soul and pounded it onto this page through the keys on my keyboard. I'll get through this. Until next time...
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
I feel like a failure at life. Not a word of a lie. And it's so ridiculous because anyone who knows me would be quick to say that I am far from a failure. Everything I have and everything my life has become is the result of my own hard work. I have my own car, condo, nice belongings, savings accounts, an education and a great job... but yet I still feel like a failure. It doesn't make sense. I feel empty. I think it comes down to my recent realizations about my relationships.
I was never outgoing when I was younger. I managed to get over it and come out of my shell more as I got older, and for a while in my early 20's I would even say I was a social butterfly. But now it feels like I'm regressing. I prefer people and places that are comfortable to me. I would rather enjoy time with my friends than go out and make new friends. I suppose I've always been like that... I'd rather have a handful of close friends than several dozen acquaintances. But now that all my friends are settling down, how am I supposed to meet that special someone if I'm always in my comfort zone? I keep telling myself that I'm not going to meet "the one" at the bar. I'm quite convinced of it, actually. The kind of person I'm looking for is not going to be someone out partying it up on a regular basis--although it feels like I've been doing a lot of that lately. I'm not as outgoing as it sometimes seems. I need some sort of comfort zone... I can't just walk up to a stranger and strike up a conversation. The more I think about this, the more it feels like I'm turning into a bigger introvert and less of an extrovert. Which is not really something I'm happy about.
What's really hitting me hard is having friends that have no problem attracting people. I take it very personally even though my rational mind says I shouldn't. In my head, it translates to a personal attack on me... every time my friends get someone's attention, that translates to "you're not good enough" in my head. And it's really starting to wear on me. I try to tell myself I am good enough, I don't suck at life, and I have a lot to offer. But in my heart I don't feel it and I don't believe it anymore. I'm becoming dependent on other peoples' approval to feel good about myself, and that's a very dangerous and vulnerable position to be in. Not to mention very unhealthy and plain out wrong. The problem is I don't know how to stop. I'm stuck in this vicious cycle and I can't feel happy about who I am without first gaining someone else's approval. I would like to think that if I did get someone's attention that all of this would fizzle away... but I really don't know if that's the case.
I have a lot of work to do... a lot of work. And right now I just don't feel up to it. I've beat myself down mentally to the point where I would rather just collapse at the bottom of this emotional pit for a while than try climbing out of it right now. People are attracted to you if you're happy and projecting a positive attitude. I tried that and it didn't really work, and now I've beaten myself so far down I don't think I could put on a facade even if I wanted to. I know what I need to do. I need to stop depending on others' approval to make me happy, stop comparing myself to others, and most importantly, stop being so hard on myself. I just don't know where to begin when I really don't feel it or believe it inside of me right now.
I am my own worst enemy.
Wow... I think this was an incredibly successful blog. Successful in the sense that it was completely raw and uncensored as though I ripped out my own soul and pounded it onto this page through the keys on my keyboard. I'll get through this. Until next time...
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Maybe I'm not supposed to know all the answers
I sit here sunburned and feeling like I've got a touch of heat stroke but yet I'm incredibly proud and happy. Today I watched my youngest brother pitch his first full game--86 pitches in 7 innings, only one walk and a 2-0 win. So awesome!! They're only allowed 105 pitches before they have to switch and he's always reached his limit before the end of a game. One of his pitches today even made a kid break his bat! Pretty cool! :)
So I thought that after meeting my dad all my "daddy issues" would be resolved. I've seen him four times in the past year--more than I've seen him in the past 20 years combined. Although I am incredibly thankful to have him in my life, it's also unearthed a whole new set of questions and doubts. My number one question is, if I hadn't initiated contact last summer, how long would it have taken him to do so? He's said that he was leaving it up to me, which begs the question, would he have gone our entire lives without trying to re-establish contact? And how can you just let a child go like that? It's heartbreaking... and I'm so thankful it didn't end up that way.
Now that I have him in my life I'm finding it bittersweet. I wish we could have started working on a relationship much sooner but at the same time I don't think I was ready. I had a lot of things within myself that I needed to sort out. I'm glad I did that first, but really disappointed that my brothers are grown up now. I question whether I'll ever have a real relationship with them... is it too late? I'd like to think it isn't too late, but there's still that lingering doubt. I find myself thinking that if I would have re-established contact when I was 20, the oldest would have only been 13 and the youngest 9. At least then I could have kind of seen them grow up. Maybe I waited too long with my grandparents? My only memory of my grandpa is at the ball game last summer... then in the hospital a couple of weeks before he passed away. This was the first time I'd seen my dad since the funeral and I didn't have the heart to ask if grandpa knew that I came to visit him. He re-gained consciousness between the time of my visit and the time of his passing. I'm sure someone told him that I'd been there... and I like to think that it made him happy.
Talking to my dad today and listening to all the places he's been and things he's done... wow. Even the things that the boys have gotten to see. I'm so happy that they had a "normal" upbringing. It makes me wonder if my dad ever questioned if he did the right thing with me? Why didn't he fight for custody? And would the court have even given it to him? I know I would have turned out a VERY different person... but maybe it's better this way? I think I've got a lot more character than I would have had if I had been raised by my dad and step-mom. But part of me yearns for that opportunity to have lived a much easier life.
On a different subject, the rejection I spoke of in my last post. I really wanted to find out why... or maybe how? How can you be making out with me one day and just a few days later be with someone else? WTF?? All I wanted was an explanation and I never did get one. A week later I was told "I just want to be friends", which is fine... okay, whatever... but you're skipping over everything that happened in between to confuse the hell out of me. And now word on the street is that I'm crazy for pressing the issue. Wonderful. Apparently asking for an explanation of events that involved you makes a person crazy.
I'm done with it now. I got a very powerful message from someone who has always kind of been the be-all end-all when it comes to advice. She is a disaster for me and all she is is slutty eye candy... I get it lol. But it's hard to learn from the experience when you don't know what went wrong in the first place. Maybe it's a lesson to be a bit more guarded... ask more questions and stop assuming the best in people? I'm still not sure. But maybe I'm not supposed to know all the answers.
I'm somewhat frustrated with my lack of success in the romance department. But there again, I think I'm comparing myself to people when I shouldn't be. The good news is that I'm finding myself again. Believe me, I lost myself amidst many drinks and nights out. But I'm back now... back to remembering what's important to me and focusing on that. Granted, it's kind of counter-productive to meeting someone... but do I really want to meet someone at the bar? Sure it's the easy way to meet people, but are they really the kinds of people that I want in my life long-term? Not likely. It just frustrates me that love can come so easily to some people and yet I struggle with it so much. I'd like to say it's a difference in standards... but I really do like all of my married and coupled friends and I don't think any of them are sub-standard. I dunno.
Other news: I went ahead and booked flights to BC for this summer! I'm going to VANCOUVER PRIDE BABY!!! SO EXCITED!! Then I'll spend a few more days kicking around BC before heading home. I feel like I'm finally starting to live my life and have some fun... and it feels absolutely amazing!
Still no word on my new job title, raise, etc. etc. Work has been kicking my butt lately but I've been kicking it right back and I know things will work out in my favor.
Off to rest my throbbing head...
So I thought that after meeting my dad all my "daddy issues" would be resolved. I've seen him four times in the past year--more than I've seen him in the past 20 years combined. Although I am incredibly thankful to have him in my life, it's also unearthed a whole new set of questions and doubts. My number one question is, if I hadn't initiated contact last summer, how long would it have taken him to do so? He's said that he was leaving it up to me, which begs the question, would he have gone our entire lives without trying to re-establish contact? And how can you just let a child go like that? It's heartbreaking... and I'm so thankful it didn't end up that way.
Now that I have him in my life I'm finding it bittersweet. I wish we could have started working on a relationship much sooner but at the same time I don't think I was ready. I had a lot of things within myself that I needed to sort out. I'm glad I did that first, but really disappointed that my brothers are grown up now. I question whether I'll ever have a real relationship with them... is it too late? I'd like to think it isn't too late, but there's still that lingering doubt. I find myself thinking that if I would have re-established contact when I was 20, the oldest would have only been 13 and the youngest 9. At least then I could have kind of seen them grow up. Maybe I waited too long with my grandparents? My only memory of my grandpa is at the ball game last summer... then in the hospital a couple of weeks before he passed away. This was the first time I'd seen my dad since the funeral and I didn't have the heart to ask if grandpa knew that I came to visit him. He re-gained consciousness between the time of my visit and the time of his passing. I'm sure someone told him that I'd been there... and I like to think that it made him happy.
Talking to my dad today and listening to all the places he's been and things he's done... wow. Even the things that the boys have gotten to see. I'm so happy that they had a "normal" upbringing. It makes me wonder if my dad ever questioned if he did the right thing with me? Why didn't he fight for custody? And would the court have even given it to him? I know I would have turned out a VERY different person... but maybe it's better this way? I think I've got a lot more character than I would have had if I had been raised by my dad and step-mom. But part of me yearns for that opportunity to have lived a much easier life.
On a different subject, the rejection I spoke of in my last post. I really wanted to find out why... or maybe how? How can you be making out with me one day and just a few days later be with someone else? WTF?? All I wanted was an explanation and I never did get one. A week later I was told "I just want to be friends", which is fine... okay, whatever... but you're skipping over everything that happened in between to confuse the hell out of me. And now word on the street is that I'm crazy for pressing the issue. Wonderful. Apparently asking for an explanation of events that involved you makes a person crazy.
I'm done with it now. I got a very powerful message from someone who has always kind of been the be-all end-all when it comes to advice. She is a disaster for me and all she is is slutty eye candy... I get it lol. But it's hard to learn from the experience when you don't know what went wrong in the first place. Maybe it's a lesson to be a bit more guarded... ask more questions and stop assuming the best in people? I'm still not sure. But maybe I'm not supposed to know all the answers.
I'm somewhat frustrated with my lack of success in the romance department. But there again, I think I'm comparing myself to people when I shouldn't be. The good news is that I'm finding myself again. Believe me, I lost myself amidst many drinks and nights out. But I'm back now... back to remembering what's important to me and focusing on that. Granted, it's kind of counter-productive to meeting someone... but do I really want to meet someone at the bar? Sure it's the easy way to meet people, but are they really the kinds of people that I want in my life long-term? Not likely. It just frustrates me that love can come so easily to some people and yet I struggle with it so much. I'd like to say it's a difference in standards... but I really do like all of my married and coupled friends and I don't think any of them are sub-standard. I dunno.
Other news: I went ahead and booked flights to BC for this summer! I'm going to VANCOUVER PRIDE BABY!!! SO EXCITED!! Then I'll spend a few more days kicking around BC before heading home. I feel like I'm finally starting to live my life and have some fun... and it feels absolutely amazing!
Still no word on my new job title, raise, etc. etc. Work has been kicking my butt lately but I've been kicking it right back and I know things will work out in my favor.
Off to rest my throbbing head...
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