Everything is crumbling

I can't sleep. I'm stressed out and upset. Earlier this week my mom asked me for $260 to help pay her rent and I said no. Now tonight she said that two people cancelled on her next week and now she's $390 short. I'm so frustrated and upset... I'm sick and tired of being the one to "carry" her. I feel like I don't have a choice--I have to give her the money. And it pisses me off that when I say something like "I'm planning on going to visit so-and-so" she jumps at me saying "I thought you said you didn't have any money?" Well I don't... but unlike you I budget and plan and save my money.

Whenever I ask her to come over here to visit or get something or drop something off, she's always too tired or doesn't have time or doesn't have gas in her car or whatever. But when she needs money... she'll be here right away. Add to that the fact that she can go visit my brother every day. Yes he's handicapped, and yes he "doesn't understand"... but just because mom and I talk on the phone almost every day, does that mean she doesn't have to visit me more than once a month or when she needs something? I swore I didn't want children and now I feel like I'm unwillingly stuck with a 55 year old child.

I'm also frustrated with my friendships. Things have pretty much gone down the shitter the past few months. There's the incident where a friend was up in my face at the bar just before Christmas. I still haven't forgotten that one. Then there's the drama going on between two friends who are splitting up. As horrible as I feel about it, I'm trying to keep my distance just so I can stay out of the line of fire. And then there's just the general feeling that people are moving in different directions. And the feeling that my ex is blocking my chances at new friendships.

The winter blahs have set in full-force, and I really hope spring is on its way. I need a pick-me-up.