Clarifications

I feel like there is a bit more elaboration needed on last night's blog. Parts of it blended together and for anyone who actually knew what I was talking about, well kudos to you. Lol no, actually I just wasn't as clear on some points as I would have liked to be. Also I still feel the need to let a few things out, so here goes nothing.

My dreams have been bothering me because it seems like every time I go to sleep, a negative situation from my past replays itself. Or something I'm dealing with currently plays out in an unfavorable way. Pretty self explanatory, but troubling none the less. I'm tired of going to sleep dreading what the night will bring, and tired of waking up feeling like I've just fought World War 3 for the fifth night in a row.

My faith in God really is what's been helping me hold on. My life has been very much like a roller coaster for the past year or two... the highs are great but the lows are rough. I feel like I'm in a low right now, and once again the thing that gets me through the days is my faith that something better is coming. A couple of years ago I found myself searching for something... I knew there had to be something much bigger and more powerful out there. Thus began my quest for something to believe in.

Yes, I literally did feel my heart sink to my feet. I have also felt my heart break before. For someone who tries to remain composed most of the time, it comes as a bit of a surprise when I feel such deep--and physical--emotion. This is the heart of what's really been bothering me. For a while now I've felt like I'm as emotionally prepared as I can be for whatever life brings. Mostly I'm ready to welcome happiness into my life with open arms. But when things don't work out according to plan--ie, how I would like them to--that's when I take my biggest blows. I am my own worst enemy, my own worst critic. And as much as I love my best friend to death, I can't help feeling like I'm always coming to her with the same over-analyzed, self-critical, ten-steps-ahead-of-myself problems. I'm trying to take life one day at a time, but it's so hard. Especially when I feel like I've fallen to a place where I'm searching for something to make me happy. And it's so stupid... I have a great job with plenty of opportunity, lots of great friends, a family I love to death, two cats that I also love to death, and a roof over my head that I earned--by myself--through my own blood, sweat, and tears. Why wouldn't I be happy? But it feels like there's something missing... I'm losing my passion for life. Maybe it's got to do with the fact that fall is coming and I always start feeling down as winter sets in. I'm not sure.

I always told myself I wasn't going to be like my mom. I was going to be self-sufficient, successful, and not dependent on anyone. To an extent I am, but I feel like I've fallen off the wagon when it comes to love. Seeing all my friends in happy, healthy relationships is really starting to wear on me. Don't get me wrong--I love seeing them happy--but in my mind that gets translated into "what's wrong with me? How come I'm still single?" I'm tired of being told the right person will come along when the time is right--I know this. I'm tired of being told I'm a great person--I know this too. I'm tired of being told we're better off as friends. I actually just came across something today that gave me a good laugh: "Sorry can we just be friends?" is like saying "The dog died but can we keep it?" If I had a dollar for every time someone told me they just wanted to be friends... I don't understand how I can *not* have chemistry with so many people. I don't hold it against them, but it's certainly more fuel for the fire that burns "WTF is wrong with me?!"

It really makes me want to toss my morals and values out the window--followed closely by my chastity belt. Are all these let-downs really worth it? The funny thing is, as much mental anguish that all of this causes me... I won't give up on what I believe in. Which is kinda cool... I just realized that maybe, deep down inside, I do believe I'm worth it.