I Found God in a Gay Bar

I've been having some really fucked up dreams lately. My dreams used to make sense and generally were related to the previous days' events. Lately they resemble an acid trip. Or what I think an acid trip would be like. I've never done acid--just FYI. It's frustrating because there are a few dreams I have over and over again. I feel like consciously I've put the past to rest, but then it comes back to haunt me in my dreams. I face the same demons over and over again, and it's getting tiring. Not to mention frustrating and upsetting. If you could erase certain memories, would you? I think everyone has at least one memory they would love to get rid of forever.

I've developed a very strong faith in God over the course of the past year or so. I really don't know what my religious beliefs are... basically I believe in God and I believe in being the best person I can be. Pretty much everything else is irrelevant. Anyway I actually started saying prayers... talking to God in my spare time and whenever I need guidance or reassurance--which is quite often. I find that it helps. I can't say that a lot of my prayers have been answered, but it gives me something to believe in. It gives me hope during times when I feel like there is none. There are days when it seems like the only thing that keeps me going is my faith that something better is waiting right around life's next corner.

Do you ever get that feeling where you can literally feel your heart sink to your feet? I had that recently. It wasn't the first time, and as always it wasn't enjoyable. Maybe I should stop putting my heart and soul into everything I do. I can't help feeling that wearing my heart on my sleeve just leads me to getting hurt. I try not to have any expectations in life, because that just opens up the opportunity to get let down. But it's hard... expectations give me something to look forward to. It's hard to describe. But without anything to look forward to, what have I got? What is other peoples' concept of time? Maybe a month to me is like a busy week to them. How long do I wait before I put my tail between my legs and walk away? Again, I really shouldn't have any expectations, but there is one phone call I am more or less expecting on my birthday, and if I don't get it I'll be devastated. End of story.

Kind of a mish-mash of a blog tonight. Basically it's the result of a train of thoughts I had at the bar tonight. I found God there when I was giving myself a pep talk--"whatever is meant to be, will be". At least it made me feel better at the time.