It gets better!

I feel the need to talk about the teen suicides that have been in the news lately. I haven't been paying a lot of attention, but I know there have been three or four kids who have committed suicide recently. From what I've heard, it has to do largely with being bullied or being gay. In my typical fashion I'm not out marching in front of city hall or giving speeches in schools, however I do feel the need to devote a blog to the subject.

My heart really goes out to these kids. One of the campaigns is called "It gets better". I can't agree with that more... I just wish I could hug those kids and tell them it gets better. I often think back to my childhood and teen years. You couldn't pay me any amount of money in the world to make me go back and do it all over again. I would much rather be dealing with "adult problems" like bills and the stresses of having a job than being bullied like I was as a kid. As a teenager I was suicidal. I was very depressed, unhappy with my life, and I thought dying would be easier. Thank God I didn't have access to a gun because I fear I could have ended up like one of these kids. Why has teenage suicide become so common? Or is it just that it never used to make the headlines and it was being covered up? It breaks my heart because I know exactly how these kids were feeling. And if only they could have known, and truly believed, that it DOES get better. I am living proof of this, and I am so thankful I stuck around. I've even used the bullying as motivation to do better in life and make something of myself, to "prove them wrong". It may not be necessary and I realize that the bullies probably couldn't care less, but it's what motivates me and helps me turn a negative into a positive.

I can't remember the last time I thought about suicide. Like really, truly contemplated it. There have been times when I've been having a really shitty day and think it would be easier to just drive my car off the side of the freeway. But what would that solve? And thinking about all the great people that are in my life now... I don't want to hurt them. And my cats! I know people might laugh, but my cats are a huge part of my happiness. They are always here for me when I'm having a horrible day and my friends and family are all busy or unavailable. What would they do without me? Life still sucks sometimes, but it's the anticipation of better days that keeps me going. This video is all over the internet but I'm going to re-post it. It brought me to tears, and I couldn't say it better myself:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ax96cghOnY4

I wasn't just bullied about the possibility of me being gay, although in retrospect I knew it and I was very deeply in denial. Regardless, the message in the video is relevant to ANY type of bullying. Thank you, Joel Burns. You're right, it does get better.


I had my annual doctor's appointment yesterday. I told my doctor that I think I need I higher dose of anti-anxiety medication. I can't focus and I feel like I always need to be doing three things at once. I also said that I feel like I'm a bit OCD... "did I shut the coffee pot off? Is the door locked? Did I set my alarm? I'd better go check the coffee pot again..." He laughed and said I definitely need to go up to the next dose. We talked about anxiety/depression/OCD and how the three are related. He said basically medication can be used to reduce the symptoms and help a person lead a more "normal" life. As much as I don't like being dependent on drugs, I hate the feeling that these compulsions give me. I know I set my alarm clock, but I can't fight the urge to double and triple check it. Then it frustrates me that I don't believe myself, or that I'm doubting myself. Anyway, hello new drug dosage! I'm looking forward to our relationship and to getting my life back. Thanks in advance! I suspect this will also help reduce the amount of over-analyzing I do which would be a great relief.

I've had a great couple of days! Thursday night was our annual steak and salmon dinner at work. The chairman of our board of directors goes salmon fishing every summer and graciously hosts this dinner for us. It was a great time, I got to socialize with some co-workers and their spouses who I don't normally spend much time with. Last night was an engagement/going away/wine tasting party with friends. Great food (cheese!... mmm!!) and equally great people. Life is good! Tomorrow is the family Thanksgiving supper since everyone wasn't available last weekend. We will likely be having the discussion about "what to do for Christmas", which has pretty much become a traditional discussion at Thanksgiving supper lol.

Food, friends, family, and fun... I couldn't be happier right now. AND my bestest buddy is coming to town tomorrow! We're going to check out a hardware show--yes, I am aware of the stereotype! Better go pick out which plaid shirt I'm going to wear... :P