I've been thinking a lot this past week about my anxiety and the root of it. It's really funny how everything I experienced as a kid has had such a subconscious effect on me. I crave stability and control in my own life, and as an adult I feel that I should be able to fulfill or meet these needs myself. In a sense I'm kind of glad I'm not dependent on anyone else to provide stability for me... I feel much safer when it's in my own hands. Not sure if that makes sense or not. I was thinking about it more in-depth and I thought I wrote some of it down but apparently not, so this is all you're getting.
On a similar note, my need to save the world kicked me in the gut again a couple of days ago. I get it from my mom. She's the type of person that doesn't have two cents to rub together, but she'll give you the shirt off her back if she thinks you need it. I'm not quite as extreme as she is because I'm trying to put myself first so I don't end up in the same position she's in 30 years from now. Anyway I was talking to my aunt... the one who was really there for me this summer when I was going through everything with meeting my dad. Basically the house she bought is a money pit. Now she thinks she might need a new septic tank, which would run her about $5000--which I know she doesn't have. I feel terrible for her because she is such an awesome person and she's trying so hard to get ahead in life, unlike my mom who I don't think is trying as hard as she could/should. I started racking my brain for ways I could lend her the money... and then I realized that it's not my job to save everyone. She said she's going to try to get a loan from the bank--IF the septic tank needs replacing. Fingers crossed it's something more minor. This is just another one of my compulsions I guess... I feel the need to provide for everyone and fix their problems. I have a really hard time accepting things from people and have too much pride to ask for help even if I really needed it. Something to think about/work on I guess.
I am of the belief that NOT all is fair in love and war. If one of my friends is working on developing something with a girl, that girl is immediately off limits for me. Unfortunately not everyone shares this belief. It makes me really angry the way some people back stab their "friends". Tell a lie about them to make yourself look better? Sure, why not! Fortunately I am also a firm believer in karma, so you'll get what's coming to you, honey. I also got thinking about all my (mis)adventures in love over the past year or so.
- I've learned that there are certain things... traits, attributes... that I am and am not looking for in a partner, and sometimes there is very good reason to not make exceptions to these "rules".
- I've learned that some people can turn into the people they hang around with and start to take on their traits. Unfortunately this is not always a good thing.
- I've learned that no matter how long you've liked someone and how hot you think they are and how well you click intellectually... do not touch her with a 20 foot pole when she's "on a break" from her girlfriend. We all know how that will turn out.
- I've learned that some people just flirt for the attention. Just because a girl is chatty and manages to get you to take your sweater vest off and let her wear it, she still may not be interested. Go figure. Moral of the story: be careful who you take your sweater vest off for.
- Last but arguably the most important: I've learned that a pint of beer and dim bar lighting can make a girl appear much more attractive than she really is. I always heard stories and jokes about "beer goggles" but I didn't realize their truly troublesome effects until I experienced it myself.
I'm coming along really well on the guitar! I finally got it tuned the other night so I can actually tolerate listening to myself practice :) I still have a lot of work to do as far as switching quickly between chords, but practice makes perfect. I can't wait till the day comes when I can actually play a song seamlessly!
Later gators!
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